Saturday, May 21, 2011

Guess Who Is Coming to Dinner?

Just thought I would add pun to the title of this post as I share a couple of experiences over the last 2 weeks.
If you know/remember this classic movie with Sidney Poitier, he was certainly not the guest/ boyfriend the family was expecting their daughter to bring home for dinner. Well this is by no means regarding racial matters. But, have you ever planned or gone to a party, or just gone somewhere with the intention of having a delightful time and either someone shows up or just something happens that COULD totally destroy the event, the occasion, etc? Instances like this is probably where the phrase was coined "Prepare for the best, but expect the worse".
The week I was scheduled for chemo was great!!! My mother in law and I had been everywhere running errands, having lunch, working on projects...all was well as could be. That Thursday I am scheduled to go to chemo and Mike had made plans to take Kendra for her driving test, but I wake up to the worst morning of the week. Guess who came for 'dinner'? The devil himself!!! He came just that day to steal time dedicated to my healing. I woke up and truly could not function, could not eat, throwing up, unbearable pain, chills, unable to walk, etc. Mike, in his effort to care for me, was late and could not get Kendra to her test ontime, I was late to my appointment and was really at the point that I had decided not to go that day... All was falling apart. We prayed, I hummed (that's what I do to center my mind), and hands were laid upon my body (thank you mom in law),...and I got myself up after some relief and I made it to my MD appointment and received ALL of my chemo.
Well, the week after chemo is usually pretty hard and again the devil decided to show up and was determined for me not to go to physical therapy. Again, trying to steal my healing, my blessing. We prayed, I was late some days, had significant pain...but I made it! But Wednesday, the pain was so intolerable that I had to go the ER that evening. The funny thing is that I have been reading and listening to The Word more and I just don't think the devil finds that appealing so he continues to show up for 'dinner' and attempt to destroy me. I got out of the hospital on Thursday and still went to therapy on Friday!!!
Here is what I am learning. As you draw closer to God, especially while in the midst of a trial, it is the best opportunity for the devil to attempt to steal your faith, your strength, your determination and will power; he wants you to give up. I will share, I have been there because the pain has just been where I have said "I can't do this anymore". But when my mind is centered and my spirit man is in control, I thought if I were to give up then not only does the devil win BUT I am basically saying God is a liar. God said He would not put anymore on His children than they can handle. He apparently believes I can handle this situation (eventhough I wonder about myself and where the strength is coming from); and He's right because because I keep coming back.
While my prayer life is getting stronger, I will have "balls of steal" (hope not to offend) when it comes to dealing with the devil. Here is one other tidbit of information that has been a revelation for me. We have been taught to pray and humble ourselves to God, offer praises, etc, etc. Have you ever had the opportunity to speak boldly to the devil. More often now, I am conversing with Satan to let him know that I acknowledge that he is real, but he is not welcomed in my home, my finances, my family and friends, my health; I don't love him, need him, or want him; he is not worthy, nothing assigned to me belongs to him; AND I have GOD who will defeat him and defend me every day of the week. Basically, I tell him not to waste his time with me. While that is like extending a challenge to him, I know that he is not happy with the fact I keep coming back.
I'm not the knock out kid; even the devil will be calling me "The Comeback Kid" and I'm sure he is learning that he is not on our 'dinner' guest list.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

Sorry it's been so long since we've communicated. There hasn't been anything "eventful". I've had some difficult days, but no need to bore you with the details. Know that I am still here; still fighting, still praying and hoping, still thankful for each and every day. If I could say nothing more, I would share that this process has been full of revelations about life.

Allow me to extend a Happy Mother's Day to all. Whether you are a mother by birth, adoption, or otherwise, know that we truly make a difference in the lives of the children we love and serve; and we do serve. I had time to reflect and be so grateful that I am here today. I looked at my girls today and they were just beautiful, and while I am not finished, I can say that my mothering is paying off. When I was having a "bad" day one day, I was asked "Have I done everything I wanted to do?" At the time, I could not answer, because I've never taken time to really think about it. I think about my response to that question today and my answer woudl be "No." I want/need to see my girls grow up and mature and become what they want to become professionally. If they marry, I want to meet this guy. He's gonna wanna meet me, because no one is gonna make it past Mike without my help (smile). I'm supposed to take my grandchildren to Disney. No, I haven't done everything.

I remember watching this movie with Jack Nicholas and Morgan Freeman in which they created a bucket list. I tried that! But because I don't see myself transitioning, my list was soooo long, God would have to grant me a lifetime to complete it!!!

Honestly, having to think about transitioning, my children and my husband's life without me has now become a reality because of how difficult my journey has been, Don't get it wrong.... I am still hopeful and prayerful, but I do have to be realisitic and not in denial. I believe God for a healing; I know that he can and I pray that He will. But, I am a nurse and perhaps know too much. As a Chrisitian, we know that we will transition, we just don't know when; our days are numbered, we just don't know the number.

This journey has been most difficult for me as it relates to my faith walk and my strength. It is one thing to profess your faith and get your praise on daily; but go through something that you can do nothing more than rely on the Lord. It all takes a different perspective. It makes your faith more tangible and your strength more of a test of measure.

May God bless you all