Thursday, March 10, 2011

The most difficult walk of my life

This week has been a roller coaster as I still keep my faith and try to endure this journey.

I've seen 3 people this week that I was really glad to see because I had not seen them in a while; one was at the Carnival on Sunday and 2 came to visit with me today. I used to work with them and their smiles, hugs, and words of encouragement were much needed. Yes... I ventured out and went to the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo Carnival on Sunday. I walked some and rolled in a wheelchair the rest. It was a nice family outing.

On Wednesday, I went to Chemo and unfortunately my WBC and H&H were low. Chemo can do that and this is the second time for me. Well this time it was too low to receive chemo. I again recieved a $3500 painful Neulasta shot. That shot costs so much and hurts so bad it ought to cure the darn cancer. Luckily, I had one of my sisters in Christ transporting me who was able to give me some encouraging words. She told me the devil is a liar... and much more to encourage me and slightly prevented the tears. I again felt defeated though. The doctor wants me to go 3 weeks in a row and I haven't been able to do it because of my WBC. Now, I will go for chemo 2 weeks in a row and be off one week. I think all this does is prolong how long I will be receiving treatments.

Today, I went to the Neurosurgeon. He was very positive but I can read between the lines. What I haven't shared is that I've started back sleeping in the chair because of this vice like feeling that has been tightening around my back and chest. It is so uncomfortable and sometimes painful that I wasn't resting well. Dr. Kim said that basically the rod that was placed is opposing the natural curvature of the spine. If I should get weak, loose sensation or have increased pain, as before the initial surgery, that I should contact him immediately. For what you might ask... To perform another surgery opposite the rod to stabilize the spine, but he would have to go through my chest. I held it together in front of him, but I lost it with my dear Michael when the MD left the room.

All afternoon, except for when my friends visited, I have cried, cried, cried. Just when I thought I was turning the corner; going to church, shopping (just a little), and getting about, I get this blow. Again, I felt defeated, worn, exhausted, a loose- loose situation. I went to Dr.Kim for him to give me permission to drive, not this. I have never thought this cancer was all about me but now I just don't know. I love my friends, family, coworkers, but what really makes me fight and determined to stay on this side of the dirt is my wonderful, handsome, awesome, fun husband and my wacky, challenging, funny, full of life children and my mother who (I think) needs me. I will be honest in saying that I am terrified of having to endure another surgery of any kind. They can pump my veins with more meds and do procedures, but God please no more surgeries.

Walked and talked with God today. I figured if Job could express his dissappointment with God's trial for him and question the purpose, I could too...and I did. Then I turned on a gospel station and just began to read a book someone gave me entitled "A Believer's Authority". Although I've only read 3 chapters, the message helped dry my tears and redirected me to the word of God; acknowledging where my strength comes from and facing the devil's deceitful ways head on.

We are all going away for Spring Break and hopefully that will give my mind and body a break. I still need you all to pray for me. It is written that the prayers of the righteous (the believer's) availeth much. Whatever is for me, I suppose it is for me, according to God's purpose for my life. Honestly, however, I am tired of the pain; don't mind rehab, treatments, etc. Just tired of the pain, setbacks, additional challenges, and sadly enough sometimes I just feel like my God doesn't hear me. But just like I said at the beginning of this journey, if someone had asked me if I could handle this disease, I would have responded that God would not have placed more on me than I could handle. Here I am and here I stand determined to fight this battle with God on my side. I will do everything I reasonably can until He says it's time to through in the towel.

I love you all and PLEASE continue to pray for a physical healing and spiritual strength. This journey has shown and taught me love I never knew existed. It has also taught me the power of prayer. Wrap your arms around yourself...that's me giving you a warm hug. I love you!

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