Wednesday, December 8, 2010

We're home...I cried today!!!

Well family.... It's been real. Even more so, now that I am home, reality is setting in for me. Physically, I am not what I used to be, but I am still here with "The great I AM" and you. I continue to be encouraged by your words of wisdom. inspiration, and well wishes. I am comforted in knowing that so many are letting their guards down and analyzing what you say, who you say it to, and how you say it. So many are looking at their own spiritual walks and just your daily lives. You are passing on messages that may impact others walk as well. And now we are ministering together.

Physically, I am able to walk and function about the house. I am on a walker, for now. However, the feelings in my extremities are essentially numb, as if I have slept on them. I have started attending physical therapy to regain strength and endurance to be able to walk without assistance. I am somewhat limited in performing my ADLs (i.e. brushing teeth, washing face, etc), but thank God He divinely created a man who seems to have owned the process of caring for my needs. Needless, to say, my appetite is good; I sure haven't missed a meal. My mother-in-law is staying with us for a couple of weeks now and she too has been just a wonderful God send.

This event makes things so surreal because my physical disabilities are the same as my patients that I have taken care of in the past. I can now appreciate their anxiety and anger as I would push my patients to move and perform to regain their own strength. I never knew how hard it would be to just "press on" through the limited motion and pain. It is humbling to have to be dependent on another individual to help perform things that we honestly just take for granted each day. I am guilty, even as a health care provider, in not truly realizing the importance of how or the usefulness of the joints, muscles, etc. Even after one visit, I have a new healthy respect for physical and occupational therapists. My team will have to deal with a person (talking about me) who is used to their independence and autonomy, but who will have emotions and pride getting in the way. Eureka! At least I'm acknowledging I have a problem going in. And, I am scared of what is to come. Just to give a you a visual: I have 2 metal rods extending from the base of my neck to approximately the midpoint of my back. I essentially only have sensation in my body from the breast line down BUT I AM ABLE to move all extremities just with weakness and therefore not a lot of control. (PLEASE PRAY for return of normal sensation throughout my body and controllable normal strength of all extremities.)

Emotionally, well I cried today. Just keeping it real, y'all. When I think of what I used to do independently, I couldn't stand the thought of the road ahead. I truly realize right now how we take for granted the ability to perform basic functions. I need assistance with preparing a plate and setting up to eat; but I can feed myself. I need assistance in getting dressed, putting on shoes, etc. My beau has the responsibility of keeping me clean and tidy (this gives a new meaning to "in sickness and health" stated in our vows). Even during those very humbling times, we are able to bond and connect in a way that many couples will not have the opportunity to experience. I wish I could even offer you a simulation to experiment with to just have the experience of truly having to yield your very private, individual functions / activities over to another individual to perform. Although married and united as one, there are still things that you just do for yourself.

As a woman, well you know we take pride in the physical appearance and y'all it ain't there. Ain't tryin' to say I was your drop dead beauty queen before all of this happened; not trying to say I still had my young bride look working for me (18 years of marriage and 2 babies does change things); ain't trying to say I had heads turning everywhere I went, HOWEVER, for me, I am struggling with whole altered body "disfigurement" of which at this point I can do nothing about. Those who know me, know that I love to shop, dress up, etc and now I just can't see that (And I just bought me some red high heeled, opened toe shoes.) Hopefully, in time, with rehab and regaining my independence and functionality, that will not be a problem. Forgive me if it seems that I brag, because I REALLY AM NOT, BUT my beau has been great since the beginning of this ordeal in June in letting me know that he did not marry me for physical appearances only (THANK GOD). To be more very accurate, Mike told me in the examination room on the day the doctor told us we had to have a mastectomy, "Don't you know? I didn't marry you for your breasts; I married you for you." Somebody wise must have already told him that gravity is a real force in nature and those girls from wedding day weren't gonna hold up forever (smile).

Please know that my tears were not pity party tears (I don't do those). They were tears of the unknown. I don't know what my ultimate function will be and therefore do not know what limitations I will have; at what capacity will I be able to function. I don't know what "fight" I am entering and just wondering do I have what it takes. Whereas my mind is thinking very high level, i,e, looking for a job, business ideas, etc. , in reality, I only need to be thinking about how to perform basic functions. This is basically FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN.

I continue to find peace in the versus that are sent that just remind me to be patient (not my forte'); that remind me that God is in control and not me (lol!); and that ALL of this will work together for the good of those who love God (that's me).

Loving you and keeping you in my prayers.
Yolanda

12 comments:

  1. We will continue to pray for you.

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  2. Your honesty and faith in God inspires me! I am praying for a miracle for you and your family.

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  3. You are the ultimate women! God blessed you with the freedom and time to live and gain back your God given abilities. Your mind is strong sister and I am inspired by your words. Mike is strong and handling this as God instructs him. I am always praying and here for you, Mike and the girls. Love you all.
    Elvena

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  4. Hey Friend, I haven't talked to you since the Sunday you started to feel bad. However, I want you to know that I did schedule that appointment as you "instructed". I was referred for an ultrasound and a mammogram for the 22nd of this month. I'll keep you posted. Know that I am drawing from your stregnth and determination. Yeah, I'm using you (Lol)just as you asked me to. Love and prayers for All of you.
    Donna K

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  5. Hey Lady, your posts make me laugh and cry. It's amazing how you and your family encourage me. Love you guys!!! Rhonda

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  6. I am so thankful that You are home and I will pray to God to keep getting you stronger.I always have you in memory.Please continue to get Stronger.I hope the sensation and strength to your extremities return in full.I hope to have a chance of coming to see you sometime soon.Stay blessed and you are in my prayers.
    Adrian.

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  7. Yolanda I will keep praying for you to regain your strenght and be yourself again. I will also keep praying for your family because I know this is very hard but in time I know you will be yourself again. I know you will gain the strenght slowly but surely because our God will give it to you. I love you now and always stay strong.

    Elba

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  8. Yolanda,

    I just heard about your blog. As I read through your journal about your new life and yes I said new life, and the reason I say that is because this journey for you and your family and friends is new. You have always stood tall and independent , but even then you had a AWE about yourself, you taught alot of us (women) in the business world we can and well achieve anything we put our mind to. I watch you mentor so many people at Kindred, but the funny thing I don't think you even realized that you we're doing it. See God guides us in different areas let it be the women of busines, wife,mother or friend. But he has decide to give you another job and you are doing a great job at it. Through you and your journey you are teaching us not to just except what the doctors say but to trust our body signs that God has given use, and what an awesome God we have. And through this journey you have learned alot about yourself and what an awesome husband you have. I pray for you and your family. But most important take care of yourself and let GOD continue to heal you. I pray that the LORD continue to guide you in this new life you have.

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  9. Hey Yolanda! I am so glad you are home! You have been on my heart since I received the news about your endevors. I am so proud of you and your husband to allow others to go on this journey with you as you continue to walk the Christian walk and minister to others as you go through! Knowing that what you are going through is for all to learn,live and share. I will stay before the Lord about you and your family. I say to you take one day at a time and I believe that you will! May this day be better than others and the joy of the Lord be your strength! I praise God for all who come to your assistance and hope that this message reaches you in a good place! In Jesus name I ask all things. Amen!
    You are teaching even from your bed because I am not very computer literate but now I can say I know how to blog!(Smile)

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  10. Hey Yolanda, Remember the last text you and I shared. You pray for me and I will continue to pray for you everyday:) Us pretty Yolanda's have to stick together! Be blessed my sister!!

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  11. Yolanda, my friend...

    Words just can't express how much of an encouragement you are. I am so very encouraged as you walk the everyday walk. Your spirit is incredible. Because you have the joy of the Lord, you have strength. Much love to you and your family.

    Paula

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  12. MIKE ROCKS!!! You have a fantastic husband...although I DONT need to tell you that! :)

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